30 days, 3 countries, 3 ways to love and zero rings.
I don’t want to fight singleness anymore
I spent a month in Europe; the Netherlands, Belgium, France.
Thirty days to laugh too hard, sleep too much, eat like I had no shame, pray like I needed answers, love like I wasn’t scared, think about old lovers, and try to understand my relationship with being single.
Yes, a month to do it all. As if I had signed up for some unlimited “heart under construction” package, or had nothing better to do, which is still better than sending long, aching texts to a man. (Don’t recommend.)
Paris with its paintings.
The Netherlands with a street sign carrying a name I once whispered.
Belgium with its quiet, generous parks.
Everywhere I went, something or someone brought me back to life in twos.
I told myself I’d be honest: embrace singleness, think of no one, feel nothing heavy. Just adventure. But honesty is brutal when every turn reminds you of the love you’ve already tasted. Since last summer, my love life has been… let’s call it “special.” Special enough to deserve a Christmas PowerPoint.
Spoiler: my friends laughed, and now, six months later, I barely talk to any of those men.
I’ve felt the pressure, in words, in silence, in my own reflection. That weight that says: “If you’re not in a relationship — or don’t want to be — you’re falling behind.” Around me: couples locking in, babies being born, people moving in together, weddings, degrees, careers… And me? I’m here. Single. The cherry on top. Without a dream.
Being alone has forced me to ask: what do I want? In love. In work. In my social life. Verdict? I’m still lost.
Sometimes I wonder if I even have dreams at all. Some days I feel like a fake plant — just… there. But even fake plants have a secret life. And yes, they survive.
Every city gave me an emotion. every city taught me something about being alone.
Amsterdam → Chance.
Memories. Adventure. Surprise. Passion. Everything moved fast; I wanted it all.Amsterdam is one of my favorite cities but I know I couldn’t stay too long. It’s like that improbable crush you can’t keep:too intense, too free, too chaotic, but oh, so good while it lasts. It’s wanting a cupcake because it’s beautiful, not because you know what’s inside. Every encounter there feels like lightning. Like you’ve met before, and you’re just continuing a story you never finished. But those loves — the ones that burn hot and fast — can swallow you whole if you’re not careful. Because when everything feels too perfect, sometimes it’s a sign you’re lying to yourself. Still, if it feels good… why not?
And how do you lose yourself in a citywhere even the street signs carry familiar names? (this is a true story)
Brussels → Mismatch.
The place I rested most. Family. Comfort. Safety. And yet… out of sync. Like being with someone who has it all — no red flags, no drama — but it just doesn’t click. You both try. Nothing moves. And you can’t leave easily not the city, not the person bbecause they feel familiar, because they’re part of your roots. So you stay. Hoping comfort will turn into passion. But how long should I stay? When I'll see the change that would make me feel in clouds?
Brussels is that kind of love.
Paris → Nostalgia.
The place I realized we never truly forget people. Love just… changes shape.
Not together anymore,but still thinking of each other,still holding space for their dreams, as if we share a quiet, invisible line of communication between us two. Every painting, every sculpture, I thought, “I hope one day he’ll be in a place like this, in this museum, he's worth it .”
Because after love, it’s not always hate.Sometimes, it’s tenderness , even when you pretend otherwise. I will always love love. Like I love art. Like I love stickers on lampposts. Like I love margaritas. Without meaning to, I’ve become a canvas painted with all the people I’ve loved.
And those who’ve tried to love me.
Sometimes, like graffiti, they leave marks even when you want them gone.
Surprise destination: my own heart.
I asked myself: What do I really want?
Why couldn’t I picture children with him?
Am I lying to myself?
And can you fall in love twice?
My trip gave me an unexpected answer: I don’t want anything conventional or traditional. What I truly love is discovering. Feeling alone in a big city, walking,watching the architecture, stepping into a museum, eat ice cream and talk to strangers.
This year, that’s the only thing that has made me feel alive and free: curiosity, art, discovery.
Maybe I’m a hipster at heart always chasing the next quirky café but in the love version.
I feel like Eat, Pray, Love with a dash of Sex and the City.
Maybe I’m a nomad. So I decided my dream would be to travel the world in search of art and one day, to see Gustav Klimt’s The Kiss in real life.
There’s something beautiful and tender, peaceful yet passionate about it you can feel it, almost live it.
So why not live it, too? It may be a strange dream, but it’s mine.It doesn’t depend on anyone.It won’t collapse if someone leaves.
And in love? Where am I?
I’ve decided to welcome all these emotions, all these feelings. I accept the duality: I can no longer be with someone, yet still think of them.
I can no longer share their life, yet still want to know how they are, and still miss them.
I have loved — sincerely — and I don’t regret it. I’ve known someone good, and he still is.
I’ll probably try again, because yes, I love love.
I’ve decided to embrace this duality because life isn’t just grey or black, it’s made of nuances.
I’m more careful about who I open up to. I’m gentler with myself. I’m not naïve or weak, harsh or controlling, cold or unfeeling. I’m simply learning to adjust my sails.
I don’t want to define myself through men’s words anymore — nor through the distorted reflection others give me.
In my life, there are “buts” and “maybes.” I change, I grow, I make mistakes, I learn, and I do incredible things.
If I’ve decided to accept it all, to stop waging war against myself, to stop forcing myself to be what society wants me to be,
it’s because I don’t see myself in that box. So I’m creating my own.
And I’m changing the things I can’t accept.
I’m enjoying my 25th year like a long, bright summer, my time like a garden to tend.
I’ve decided to embrace my singleness not as an absence, but as fertile ground.
Sure, during my trip I reflected, but I also laughed, chose my own paths, met souls, and decided to stop fighting being single, simply because it’s a beautiful adventure a secret path few take the time to love.
This trip reminded me of love shared, of past connections.
But between three countries, it’s mostly my own heart I visited and myself I decided to love.
My greatest love story of all… is with me.
I loved, I saw, I conquered.
❤️
This text is for someone important and inspiring. I hope that person recognize himself.
Or her :)
Nice text. To be free also means to be alone.